)But Jane looped in HR, and I think the OP then expected HR to get directly involved – while HR might have just helped Jane figure out how to deal with Delores. Laid the groundwork for me to truly apologize.Then told me that they felt I should apologize to him, with them there.
It sounds like the screaming incident was in July, but it’s July now, but the letter-writer was waiting to hear an answer for months?Huh. That to me would have been ideal but I could be okay with a good speaking-to regarding the episode.I think what the real problem here is that a snotty person is escalating and no one seems to notice or stop it. Abuse starts with such small signs that can look like ordinary behavior, until they become a pattern, and by then it’s hard to extract yourself or convince others of what’s happening. Cornelius had told Dolores’s supervisor that he felt we were owed an apology, and I told Sybil I … The worst thing that could happen is she yells at you again, and in that situation, you’d now have a clear case to go with HR because it is now a patternYes. (We don’t know if the meeting was a walk-up or a scheduled thing.) I would like to think I wouldn’t sit back and take being screamed at by a coworker or manager. Shutting the yelling down there and then by ending the meeting and leaving the room as Alison suggested and/or 2. I was a shy, troubled teen, and my father sided with her. It’s a problem. He was in over his head and requested help from me in email. Thankfully there was only an hour of the work week left.
However, it’s not fair to people to let them think they are not responsible for their words and their actions. I was angry; he was generally always annoying, I was struggling to manage a workflow in a shitstorm I hadn’t created, and he was lecturing me, and asked me a question that basically boiled down to ” don’t you know how to do your job?” I just lost it. Whatever else folks might think of HR’s level of involvement, the effect seems to be significant: TootsNYC gave an earnest apology, heard how their behavior affected their coworker, and their coworker felt listened to and acknowledged. I also wasn’t aware of how much self-loathing I was battling internally, because the only skill/framing I had for tolerating discomfort was submission — to sit with discomfort made me feel like I was “allowing” the abuse to happen again, just like I had as a victim, and I still hated that part of myself so much.I can see my employees doing small or large versions of this sometimes, when every inch of their nervous system is screaming UNSAFE UNSAFE, and I’m telling them their senses are wrong, and they will survive this. I mean, look at this thread — the most socially powerful people, including managers and lawyers, are on the side of “this is no big deal, suck it up”. Persistent, polite follow up just doesn’t strike me as inappropriate, just refusing to let the problem be swept under the rug.I do think that the OP may have been unclear about the apology piece, since I assume that was why Dolores emailed her, so she made herself appear difficult when she was angry about that. So. I froze, managed to say something but I don’t recall what, and a few minutes later realised that I was breathing increasingly fast and about to burst into tears. Not sure I see the issue with following up on the matter – I would want answers too after being abused in the workplace. There is no reason to conclude from this letter, which describes a single situation, that the letter writer is “always the victim.”I had a screaming coworker once and that company was a Big Company With Fixed HR Processes For Tantrums. It worked phenomenally well. Eventually, he was moved to a different location. What happened to Dolores O’Riordan? Umbridge hated muggles and muggleborns. Open anger at each other at work or outside of it is in no way normal way to communicate either.I don’t think friendliness is required – but requiring people to work with their coworkers is reasonable, which I don’t think one instance of yelling negates.If I had gotten really really bad news, and as a result blew up at a co-worker and berated her for things that weren’t her fault, I’d apologize. I feel like HRs seeming ambivalence towards this incident is a massive red flag. One person’s life experience is triggers another person’s incredulity and so on.I think there are very few people who wouldn’t be wary of someone who screamed for an hour.Oh this is interesting because I thought my opinion would be different from AAM’s but we are on the same page.
In my personal life I once cried noisily on my boyfriend’s doorstop and his roommates threatened to call the police on me. It’s just not a good way to handle things, and it should be unacceptable.Those things are all true! Thank you for sharing!That kind of thing can quickly become boundary violating and overstepping in unskilled hands. According to reports, Dolores O’Riordan’s death has been confirmed as accidental.
And of course there are gradations and it’s frankly very rare for someone to shout at full volume. This is the type of work HR professionals should be trained and willing to do. If that was the first tirade that could have been addressed right there, no need for a history of tirades to decide there might be a problem.I have worked with some pretty tough people. However, I agree that I would not have done more than one follow up on the issue. Apologizing when you are wrong and not having a temper tantrum are expected- as you were supposed to learn those things when you were a child. I thought Sybil was the yelling one, and it was a reference to the Sally Field movie from back in the day.I don’t think OP needed HR to be present, she just didn’t want to be alone with Dolores. That’s not good, but the most practical thing to do at that point is let it go and move on. It felt like we were stuck between my grandboss pushing this work on us, and my boss saying we needed resolution on her behavior.
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